Saturday, February 1, 2014

Walking away from Insecurity.....Learning To Be Loved

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

In 2013, I asked God to rid of me of insecurity.  Oh boy, I had no idea what a ride I was in for.  To be perfectly truthful, if I had known how deep He would have to dig to get to the root of the insecurity, I would have ran the other direction.  

 There has been a time in a my life when I was an insecurity-oholic,  It wasn't healthy, but it as familiar.  I wrapped up in it, pulled it around like a warm familiar blanket. My natural tendency is to run to this familiar feeling when the world throws something new or scary at me. 

False versus Real Confidence
  False confidence was my go to mask for my insecurity. As a young adult, I had the answers for everyone else's problems, and an opinion on every topic up for discussion (or at least tried to fake an opinion).  Combating insecurities by being able to 'fix' everyone else was less painful than seeing the plank in my own eye. There was a deep rooted  belief that value was not in who I was, but in what I knew. 

Thankfully life has flipped my false-confidence on it's head.  Real confidence is not knowing it all, or having an opinion on every topic brought up for discussion.  To me, confidence has been redefined as trust.  Trust that if I don't know the answer, I am still valued.  Trust that someone else will see your strengths AND your weaknesses, and still judge you worth their time Trust to be vulnerable, to let others in.... to see me. 

Seeking Value in Masks 
Always seeking an identity, always seeking a mask to wear, I craved approval of everyone I met. With the stoners, I was a hippie.  At youth group or church, I tried to be the "wise one" with the philosophical answers. With the party crowd, I was the Designated Driver. I did not know my value because I based my identity of what others needed me to be. What mask was I to wear that night, day, hour?  It was exhausting. 

My insecurity has lessened as I stopped looking for my identity in the crowds.  As I step back, I see the masks were projections of only my strengths, always hiding the weakness. I am still a bit of a hippie, try to seek wisdom, and still love to be the safe place in the hurting crowd; but these are my heart now, not my masks.  I can accept my strength because I can accept my weakness. I am these things because it is who I want to be, not who I think other people need me to be. 

Trustworthy with My Weaknesses
As a survivor of abuse, trust is the main key in my relationships.  The people who truly matter to me do not care if I am fashionista, a great baker, or if I am organized (by the way I am none of these).  I have loved many friends in my life, but only in the past year or two have I begun to to trust that some love me back, and are trustworthy.   They have proven trustworthy with my strengths, but also my weaknesses. They are the ones who love me enough to encourage genuine growth in me.  Their motivation for sharing truth in my life is not from a need to control me or feel better about themselves, but to see me have a better life.

I have loved Jesus for a long time, but did not trust that He could love me back. I did not trust He could see the flawed person I am, and still want me. Through daily laying down of my insecurities (still a daily battle folks) I am a child of God, I have my identity in Him. Every other role in my life flows from that fact.  I do not have to be better than anyone else for Him to value me.  He does not seek control out of narcissism, but out of want for my betterment. He will never love me less than He does right now, and he will never love me more. He laid down his son for my life, for my sins.  While I was a sinner Jesus, Yeshua, died for me.  He. Died. For. Me.   This makes me brave enough to me take steps away from insecurity and towards Him. 

I am loved.

"We Love Because He First Loved Us." 1 John 4:19

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